oh really, pandora?


February 15, 2012 by jooshanoosh

Pandora and I are fighting. If you don’t know Pandora, she’s the special lady who plays songs for me on my computer. I know all the kids have moved on to Spotify and the like, but I made a commitment to Pandora a few years ago and I’m not someone who drops a lady just because someone flashier came along. I only wish we had a better relationship, Pandora and I. Because she lies. And I get all passive aggressive. And Pandy lies more. It’s a vicious spiral.

I carefully crafted a station I like, and for a while Pandora was playing songs that were surprising and delightful. She was like that awesome teen in your ward who introduces you to bands called “Tokyo Speed Demon” and “Dubstep Dummies” and makes you feel momentarily relevant. I loved hanging out with Pandora because she made me believe I was hip. Little did I know that this feeling was unsubstantial and built like a pack of cards.

Pretty soon Pandora starts “introducing” me to hits from the 90’s. And then there’s all this Deep House Dish Euro pop that leaves me confused and a little tweaked. It’s not constant: she’ll play three or four songs I like, and then hits me with Color Me Badd or some Greek bubble-pop. And when I hit the thumbs down button she gets all coy and says “You don’t like that? I’m so sorry. I thought you liked that.” She’s lying. She knows I don’t like it. I made the station! Don’t just put random crap in there and pretend like you thought I liked it, Pandora!

And then she goes on these kicks where she plays Jack Johnson and John Mayer ad nauseum. I don’t mind those guys, but she plays them like they are the clarion call of the new millennium. Jack Johnson always seems so lazy and John Mayer is super spitty in concert, so I feel listless and moist when I hear their music. Pandora thinks it’s funny, I can tell. So I turn her off. Or turn down the volume. It’s a passive way to protest and I’m not above doing it.

Anyway, I’m hoping I can fix this relationship. You can’t fix another person, though, just yourself. That’s what all the TV doctors say. So I guess I can try to adjust myself to Pandora’s choices. I just don’t like doing it. It’s fraudulent and it’s manipulative and it just feeds the snake that will eventually bite me.

5 thoughts on “oh really, pandora?

  1. try the Disney station for your kids- in between Jungle Book and Beauty & the Beast you you will get The Who "Teenage Wasteland"… Well played, Pandora, well played. Pun intended.

  2. Josh says:

    Pandora and I are fighting too. She likes to embarrass me in front of people I work with. Whenever I am playing her in my office at work as soon as someone else walks in the office she immediately plays Taylor Swift – like I created a teen country station. And what is up with he obsession with John Mayer and Jack Johnson. I get them about every third song. And Sara Barialles.

  3. Hysterical. So totally refreshing to read something packed with wit and truth all at once. Bravo. And thank you. I can now more adequately face the rest of my day. You forgot to mention, however what a total attention whore Pandy can be. Needing constant feedback and praise, that one. Multiple times a day she will go silent in a full blown pout. "Are you still LISTENING?" She says. "I'm not trying to play to an empty room here!" Yes Pandora, I'm still listening. I'm always listening.

  4. Spotify would never do this to you.

  5. Jared Jones says:

    Makes me rue the day I ever created my Chicago the Musical station (which was originally a Broadway general station). Now It seems I get all Chicago all the time.

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