February 22, 2012 by jooshanoosh
I know that not everybody is into the Oscars like I am. The Academy Awards are sort of the Super Bowl for the artsy-fartsy crowd and I get that. But there are many of us who prefer both the Super Bowl and the Oscars and see both as a celebration of life, liberty, and the pursuit of attention. I won’t judge you if you don’t watch the Super Bowl, and I won’t judge you if you don’t watch the Academy Awards. But I will judge you if you make disparaging remarks as if one or the other doesn’t matter. Because if you can’t at least enjoy one of these ceremonies, then the verdict is in: YOU’RE BORING!
Now, for those of you who aren’t into the Oscars, I’m here to help. If you are the sort of person who says “Oh, Golly! The only movie I saw last year was Cars 2!” then I will assist. If you want to look relevant, even though clearly you aren’t, I am here for you. When Oscar Night rolls around and you go to some party and you don’t know what to say, well, how about these ideas:
1. It’s ok to discuss ladies outfits as long as that’s not the only thing you talk about. That gets old. If you don’t know what to say about a dress, you should just make a lot of references to how everything is “a return to Old Hollywood Glamour.” This works every time.
2. If you really want to be bold and discuss someones make-up, I can’t help you there. Except you can always admire somebody’s “smoky eyes.”
3. Here’s what the nominated movies are about:
The Artist: A black and white silent movie with some cute dancing and an awesome dog.
The Descendants: George Clooney lives in Hawaii with his comatose wife and his daughters, who are jerks.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: A super annoying kid does a scavenger hunt
The Help: Some maids get on and off a lot of busses
Hugo: Martin Scorcese makes a “family film” about the origins of cinema and zzzzz
Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen movie about time travel in Paris, starring Gertrude Stein and Ernest Hemingway
Moneyball: An awesome movie starring Brad Pitt that helps you to like baseball
The Tree of Life: Dinosaurs, Death, and Sean Penn in an elevator
War Horse: Steven Spielberg’s story about a special pony
4. Talk about who was “robbed.” These are people who should have been nominated but weren’t. This year you can mention that Tilda Swinton, Ryan Gosling and Albert Brooks got robbed. You can also complain about how Michael Fassbender got robbed for Shame, but then you are admitting you saw an NC-17 movie starring lots of naked people. Just letting you know.
5. Mention that anything from Drive got robbed. Your cool factor just went up. You’re welcome!
6. This year, feel free to complain about Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It got nominated for best picture even though it was so dumb. Boring and irritating and everyone hates it (not just me.) Everyone will complain about it this year.
7. Feel free to complain about how dated Billy Crystal is. But then roll your eyes as you remember last year’s Anne Hathaway/James Franco debacle. Remember that? Oh, jeez. (rolls eyes)
8. Talk about how amazing, beautiful, and touching Tree of Life was. Or talk about how slow, confusing, and pointless it was. Doesn’t matter. Either way, you won’t be alone. And everyone will start fighting! Make some hors’ d’oeurves and let people throw them.
9. I bet Glenn Close hates Meryl Streep, don’t you? Discuss.
10. Don’t, under any circumstance, make that lame comment about how you haven’t seen any of these movies. It’s not cute and it’s your fault. Seriously, go on a date sometime. And if you truly haven’t seen any of the movies, you have five more days to catch one or two. Also, if all else fails, just pretend you saw them. Lie! I’m telling you right now: LIE