Your horoscope: March Madness


February 24, 2012 by jooshanoosh

With March on the horizon, it’s time to come in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb! Gear up everybody: it’s going to be March Madness!

ARIES: Have you heard the news? The big news about you? I think most people know by now. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? The big thing that’s going happen to you this month? How do you feel about it? I would be terrified, but that’s just me. You know what I’m talking about, right?

TAURUS: It’s time to turn that TV off and get in shape! Spring is on the horizon and you need a little work. I mean, you look great. I think so, anyway. But I can tell you don’t feel good about yourself. It’s just how you act and stuff. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Join a gym already!

GEMINI: March would be a good time to think about how awesome your spouse is. They are always there for you. What are some nice things you could do for them? I know he likes a good head message (or she.) He likes to eat big meals and have giant naps (I mean he or she.) Just some ideas!

CANCER: Hey, buddy. I’m in no hurry to get that 25 bucks back from you that you “borrowed” from me last week. I do not have a mortgage to pay or mouths to feed, and I’m glad you were able to redbox that video game for your PS3 even though you “borrowed” the money for food. Take your time, pal! I know you are good for it.

LEO: Hey sexy! Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

VIRGO: It’s time to get beyond yourself and help people who are really struggling. Like your sister, for example. She was one of the best figure skaters in the world until that tragic accident and now she’s blind. She still wants to skate! But she’s up against narrow-minded judges and cut-throat competitors and she can’t even see them. When tragedy strikes, love comes to the rescue! Get out there and help her!

LIBRA: That Gas-X you have been taking sure seems to be working. Congrats. And I think next month I may even ride in a car with you! Baby steps, though. Don’t get too excited. I still have a memory.

SCORPIO: Hey. I dig the new tattoo. I like how it’s a big bloody knife running right down your arm. It’s like your arm is saying “check me out! I’m a big bloody knife.” I like that. And I fear it. So your plan is working.

SAGITTARIUS: OK, wait. Let me get this straight! You still watch American Idol? You still think it’s on TV and that it’s fun to watch? Dude, even your mom stopped watching American Idol. Get with it! Everyone is totally watching Downton Abbey now.

CAPRICORN: This isn’t meant to be a criticism, but I think you wore your cardigan two days in a row last week. I keep a log on your outfits. I know that seems weird, but to me it makes perfect sense. It’s just what I do! Anyway, you need to rotate. People notice that stuff. People like me, who keep logs on your outfits.

AQUARIUS: I’m sorry everyone thinks you look like Octavia Spencer. I don’t see it. Maybe next time someone says that you should offer them some pie…

PISCES: Man, March is going to do a number on you. See you in April. MAYBE

3 thoughts on “Your horoscope: March Madness

  1. Patrick says:

    Chris,It was only because I got a new pair of pants from Urban and I've lost a bit of weight and the only thing that went with the new pants was that Brown J Crew Cardigan that I somehow bought a size too small back when I was bigger. Now, it's all I have. Everything else makes me look dumpy.

  2. Josh says:

    You know, my spouse DOES need a back rub. Thanks, Chris!

  3. Penny says:

    You don't know me, we'll probably never meet and I still feel the need to tell you that I enjoy reading your posts, (and those of the others on this blog, as well–you guys are All Right!)

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