Colon All Nations!


March 5, 2012 by jooshanoosh

From time to time I receive a bulky and unsolicited health magazine in my mailbox. I’ve never subscribed to it. I’ve never paid for it. And in spite of its large print and vibrant pictures, I am still able to generally ignore it. But this time, as I walked home with nothing more to read from the mailbox but the power bill (and I like to be sitting down when I read that), I thumbed through the magazine. And you won’t believe what I found: That’s right – an article on colons!
Now, it’s been my experience that this topic is among the top three No-No’s in social conversations: Religion, Politics & Colons. For example, this joke will never end well: “So the Pope, a Rabbi, and Bill Clinton walk into a bar, each with their own colon under one arm, and a bottle of Kaopectate under the other…”
But there were some startling statistics I found in this article.
In Their Lifetime, the Average American Eats…
6 whole Pigs
12 three-thousand-pound cows
3,000 chickens, turkeys, and other flying birds
3,000 fish, sea creatures and sea scavengers
2,000 gallons of alcohol
300 soft drinks
400 candy bars
500 doughnuts
It wasn’t until the second time I read through these statistics that I realized the author of this article wasn’t bragging about how awesome Americans are in eating contests or in killing things.
Now, I don’t know where this “professional” gathered his information, but I see some real inaccurate calculations in these here statistics. And I am going to now correct him. Not by doing any additional research of my own, because I am busy, people. My DVR isn’t going to watch these shows itself, you know! Besides, I’ve read that, like, 82% of statistics are made up anyway.
6 Whole Pigs:This may actually be correct. When you take into account the numerous delicious ways to eat pigs, I would be embarrassed to noteat 6 pigs during my lifetime. From sausage and bacon to Easter ham and pork chops, it truly is the other white meat. And when it says “whole” pigs, I assume it includes toenails, eyelashes, lips, ears, and spleen. And I think that is correct because hot dogs cover those areas. So this could be the most accurate statement in this statistical analysis.
12 Three-thousand-pound cows: WRONG. How would you even know that? What if I just ate one huge 36,000 pound cow instead of 12 average-sized cows? Maybe I found it roaming elusively undomesticated in the wild frontier of Wyoming somewhere? Are you suggesting it would be better to let such an animal run free, menacing the countryside and eating small Wyomian children? How un-American are YOU, pal?
3,000 Flying Birds:I can kind of see what he’s saying here, and I tend to agree. This is really a suggestion that we branch out and try new things; namely, flightless birds. When was the last time you tried Ostrich? Or a delicious slice of Penguin? Come on people, get out of your comfort zones. Don’t be afraid to try new things.
3,000 Sea Animals:I’ll tell you right now that if he is including shrimp in this statistic, he is way low. I’ve eaten 3,000 shrimp in one sitting. (They are so tiny!) And if you go to Claim Jumper (Slogan: Making gi-normous portions classy since 1977!), I’m pretty sure you can now order a surf n’ turf combo of 3,000 shrimp with half of a pig. It’s called the Swimming Swine. Top it off with an éclair the size of your head, and that is a fine, fine meal, my friend.
2,000 Gallons of Alcohol: If this is accurate, I am way, way behind. I’ve never even had heavy duty cough syrup.
300 Soft Drinks:I’m sorry, did this survey say “in a lifetime” or “before noon?” I know people who take soda intravenously until lunchtime, so it is difficult to declare, within any degree of accuracy, just how much Diet Coke is coursing through them at any one time. If somebody has a soda once a day, then they’ve had 300 sodas before the end of one calendar year. There is no way this number is right. Unless this statistic is from 1948.
400 Candy Bars:If the 24 hour period after October 31 is considered a Free Zone and those numbers don’t count, then…this number is still incredibly low.
500 Doughnuts:(Or as I like to call it, Appetizer Item #5 at Claim Jumper.) Difficult to say on this one. If you eat one with a fork and knife, is it still a doughnut, or is it now cake? If you take a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, put them in a bowl, pour milk over them, and call them Cheerios, are they still doughnuts, or are they now cereal? That sounds good…maybe I should do some real research and get back to you on that one.
Regardless if these statistics are accurate, I think we can all agree on one thing: When it comes to killing and eating things, you can bet that 78% of the time, Americans are the best at it 100% of the time.

4 thoughts on “Colon All Nations!

  1. Matt Avery says:

    I had to sit while reading about my colon.

  2. topher clark says:

    I have 500 donuts in my colon RIGHT NOW

  3. Patrick says:

    Emu. I've had Emu.The answer?Delicious.

  4. Josh says:

    I call into question the 300 sodas. Do they mean 300 gallons? Or 300 tanker trucks full of soda? Because I guarantee I drank 300 sodas last month.

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