March 14, 2012 by jooshanoosh
A friend graciously included me in a March Madness bracket tourney pick’em competition, forgetting that, although I love football, I have no interest in basketball. Particularly college basketball, because I used to teach at BYU and coaches were always giving me heat to pass these basketball players who never came to class. Or turned anything in. Or knew my name. I dislike playing basketball because it seems like you always have to rub up on people’s business and my bald head gets lodged in other dudes’ armpits and I just don’t like all that running. Even the sound of sneakers squeaking on a gym floor gives me the hives. But I like competition, and I like predicting things, and I’m not going to sit out March Madness! So, here are my pics. PAY ATTENTION:
First off, Kentucky will beat West Kentucky, because West Kentucky is probably really backwoods, right? Connecticut will beat Iowa State, because Connecticut is fancier. Wichita will beat VCU because I don’t know what VCU stands for. Indiana will beat New Mexico because New Mexico is too hot to practice outside so the team mostly hangs around the DQ sucking down Dilly Bars. UNLV will beat Colorado because people from Colorado think they are so much better than people from Utah, even though they are basically the same state. Baylor will beat South Dakota because all South Dakota has going for it is Mount Rushmore. Xavier will beat Notre Dame to punish the wicked antics of Frollo and avenge hunchbacks everywhere. Duke will beat Lehigh, because Lehigh is actually spelled Lehi, you bozo philistines. In the second round, Connecticut will beat Kentucky because Connecticut is way fancier. Wichita will beat Indiana because I said so. UNLV will beat Baylor because I was in Las Vegas last weekend and I love the Palms hotel. Duke will beat Xavier because my father-in-law went to Duke. In the third round, Connecticut will beat Wichita because Connecticut is one thousand times fancier. Duke will beat UNLV because, again, my father-in-law will have it so. That puts Duke in the regional finals, where they will beat Connecticut, finally putting an end to every snobby Aryan from Darien on that team.
Syracuse will triumph over N.C. Asheville, because N.C. Asheville is the all-time worst name for a school. Sadly, Kansas State will lose to Southern Miss, because no handsome fella stands a chance against the wiles of a Southern Miss. Vanderbilt will beat Harvard, clearly, because it’s not hard to beat a bunch of nerds. Montana will beat Wisconsin because I was born in Montana. Texas will beat Cincinnati because the Cincinnati team is literally made up of actors from the television show “WKRP in Cincinnati” and homeboys are lookin’ old out there! Florida State will beat St. Bonaventure because the Florida State team is literally made up of alligators. Gonzaga will beat West Virginia, because the night before the game the WV team will get all liquored up on moonshine and then buckdance ’till three. Ohio will lose to Loyola MD because MD means that the doctor is in da house! In the second round, Syracuse will fall to the inevitable charms of that coy Southern Miss. Laws, laws! Montana will beat Vanderbilt because, you’ll recall, I was born there. Texas will beat Florida State at a hearty row in the basement of the Alamo. Gonzaga will beat Loyola because Gonzaga is both the name of a school as well as a nickname for ladies’ bosoms. In the regional semis, Montana will finally defeat those sweet talkin’ thangs from Southern Miss, because it is, after all, the state that hatched me. Gonzaga will beat Texas because it’s also a kind of pasta. That puts Montana in the regional finals against Gonzaga, and it’s gotta go to my home state, despite Gonzaga being something you could say after someone sneezes.