your horoscope: april showers

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March 30, 2012 by jooshanoosh

You know the old adage: April showers bring May flowers! Well, spring is here. But what kind of shower are you in for? A nice, pulsating soft water flow? A steady, sturdy spray of force? Or the rusted, disappointing tinkle kind like I get at the UVU gym? Find out below!

ARIES: Wow. Can you believe what everyone has been saying about you? I’m always the last one to hear things. But I finally heard about this whole thing with you and that thing that you did. And how everyone feels about it. Do you need someone to talk to? You know what I’m talking about, right? That thing that everyone’s so upset about? That you did?

TAURUS: Quit being so bull-headed and let someone help you out every once in a while! You can’t do everything yourself, you know! Technically, you can. If you had to. Amelia Earhart lived alone on that island for years by herself before she was eaten by cannibals. And then two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank played her in a movie! What’s wrong with you? Take charge of your life! You aren’t even on Hilary Swank’s radar.

GEMINI: Your spouse loves you. He/she thinks you are amazing and beautiful/handsome and is amazed at all you have accomplished in the last three months. He/she doesn’t need any special back rub or toe massage this month. This month is all yours, sweetheart.

CANCER: Remember when we went on that motorcycle ride and I rode on the back and pretended like I wasn’t scared? Surprise! I was totally scared. Because my face is my fortune and I can’t afford any kind of scratch-ups. Also I remember how my mom called them “murdercycles” and it’s hard to shake that. But I’m up for doing it again! If I can drive this time. And no helmets, because that’s for babies!

LEO: Dude, cut yourself some slack. We all put on weight. You carry yours well! It suits you. It in no way decreases your attractiveness and desirability. Anyway, ladies like personality. Boy, we lucked out on that one!

VIRGO: This month would be a great time for you to reclaim your relationship with your sister. She’s been lost for years, and this would be a great time to find her. Particularly if she’s stuck in the lair of the Goblin King, and you have to find her before midnight! Good luck with that! You’re on your own here and you won’t find any friends along the way to help you. But remember – it’s your own fault! You summoned those goblins from that book you like to act out.

LIBRA: I noticed that you have been standing a lot straighter lately. Great job! Did you take a class? Posture is so important. It tells the world “I’m confident!” This month, work on your slumpy neck.

SCORPIO: You think you’re fooling me by working at an old folks home? You think I don’t know it’s just about stealing free food and movie night Mondays? Maybe the elderly don’t suspect a thing, but I’m not so easily fooled. That being said, I admire your creativity. It’s way smarter than working fast food. No hair nets!

SAGITTARIUS: Remember last week when you tried to buy two tickets to The Hunger Games on Fandango but you accidentally bought tickets for Journey 2: The Mysterious Island? Man, you blew it! But seriously, how was that movie? I don’t know anybody who saw it. Did you like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? He’s usually good in everything.

CAPRICORN: If life hands you lemons, make lemonade! But what if you hate lemonade, as some people do? The acidity is a lot for some people’s stomachs. Have you tried pink lemonade? It tastes just like lemonade, but it’s a different color. If life handed me pink lemons I would make pink lemonade, but I sure wouldn’t drink it! Pink lemons? That sounds suspect. That’s some crazy terrorist crap right there.

AQUARIUS: I’m sorry everyone thinks you look like Rick Santorum. It’s probably all those sweater vests. And that hangdog look you always have. Buck up, we’re almost done with him! And then everyone can go back to calling you “Randy Quaid.”

PISCES: Think you know everything? Think again. I bet you don’t know anything about Walter Sickert, the 19th century painter and eccentric who was very likely Jack the Ripper. He loved to paint grisly crime scenes and dismembered bodies. And he is currently hiding in your closet!!!

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