oh baby


April 18, 2012 by jooshanoosh

This morning I heard someone use the phrase “eat your heart out” and it struck me as a really gross thing to say. I never thought about it literally, but imagine eating your own heart! Right out of your chest! It’s just something I could never do. But I guess that makes me a huge hypocrite since I’m always going around telling people I could “eat” their babies. Would I literally? Literally eat their babies? The answer is YES!

I’m certainly not the first person claiming that they love babies so much they could eat them. Many of us feel this way, though few admit it. My theory is that we want to eat babies because they look like pastries. They have fat little dimpled thighs and porky little feet and they look delicious! Like a loaf of bread or a Bavarian creme. But you have to be so careful. Looking at babies as if they are food is a slippery slope. Don’t go down it!

I know a lot of adult men are uncomfortable around babies, but when I was growing up I had eight brothers and sisters, so I’ve never been a stranger to babies and toddlers. Babies were like streetcars; there was always another one on the way. I grew up holding and diapering babies, as well squishing their fat, fleshy belly rolls and cuddling their sweet scented, wispy haired noggins. And then suddenly I was all grown up and I had five babies of my own! I loved those babies so much. I miss those babies. I could go on having baby after baby if it didn’t mean that my wife had to be forever pregnant (re: Duggars) or if they didn’t grow up, resulting in an interminable cycle of soccer games and pinewood derbies.

Mormons are always talking about “freebies.” It’s a fantasy game we have where, for one predetermined amount of time, we are allowed to smoke cannabis or drink coffee or watch sexy vampire TV shows or anything else we don’t normally get to do. Or admit to doing. My freebie would be a day where I just feast on super cute, super fat babies. I don’t care about race or creed: all babies are welcome. Are you getting what I’m saying? I love babies so much. Here are some things I love about them:

1. I like the smell of baby poop (until you introduce solids.) It’s yellow and smells like delicious buttery popcorn!

2. I like when babies drool. Nobody cares! If I did that everybody would get all grossed out.

3. I like when babies turn over or put their arms in the “fencing” position. These are just some of the exciting things babies can do.

4. I like when babies fall asleep while I’m holding them. But then I’m tempted to bite them. Look out!!!!

5. I like when babies make cute noises like cats.

Here are some things I do not like about babies:

1. I do not like their poop after you introduce solids. It’s brown and smells like poop.

2. I don’t like when I hold a baby and they pull my glasses off. My glasses are really expensive.

3. I don’t like when babies start crawling and they pick up horrible things off the ground and put them in their mouth. And then you have to dig them out. It’s really hard to do sometimes. They clamp down! Or they resist you and arch their backs. They really want to eat that thumbtack!

But that’s about it! As you can see, the list of things I love about babies is much shorter than the things I hate about them. All the same, I will not be having any more babies of my own. You probably thought that’s what I was leading up to. It’s not. I just wanted to tell you that I love them, and that I want to eat them. I won’t eat one, but it’s obviously crossed my mind. I’ll just go on stealing all the babies at church until they are big enough to think I’m creepy (it’s a short window.) And in the meantime, I’ve noticed that the UVU health plan now covers “elective sterilization.” That snip is expensive, so you better believe I’m going to get myself neutered if the state is going to cover it! In the meantime, feel free to come drop your baby off at my house. I’m feeling hungry!

7 thoughts on “oh baby

  1. Hailey says:

    You terrorized my baby once, but she seems to be OK, so I guess we're good.

  2. Lisa says:

    I love babies, too. So much.

  3. Anna says:

    As soon as I have a baby, he/she will be shipped to you, free of charge, for almost eating.

  4. Becca says:

    the brilliant Adam Gidwitz wrote a gruesome and fabulous kids' story book called "A Tale Dark and Grimm" in which all the kids are Hansel and Gretl, and seriously, it's awesome. I read it out to my kids and my husband was slightly scandalized, it was so creepy. Anyway, the Hansel and Gretl witch is described JUST LIKE YOU — just a normal person being hungry to chew on a baby or two. Read it. Then tell me you did. And then we'll discuss.

  5. Jannah says:

    I am glad that I read this post, not only have I always been tempted by those scrummy little necks, I was afraid I was the only one whose infants produced buttered popcorn diapers, weird but true, actually only true for the girls, my boy produced guacamole.

  6. Sarah says:

    That "creepy" time really is a short window! Such a shame.This made me laugh. I laugh every time I read your stuff Brother Topher Clark! Probably not that uncommon. 🙂

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