I’m Bert

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June 21, 2012 by jooshanoosh

I read something on the interwebs this week that made me think and filled me with joy. It combined two of my favorite things: judging and classifying people and the Muppets. In Slate, Dahlia Lithwick wrote an article dividing the world into two types of people: Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets.

In her words, “Chaos Muppets are out-of-control, emotional, volatile. They tend toward the blue and fuzzy. They make their way through life in a swirling maelstrom of food crumbs, small flaming objects, and the letter C. Cookie Monster, Ernie, Grover, Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and—paradigmatically—Animal, are all Chaos Muppets.” Conversely, Order Muppets, “and I’m thinking about Bert, Scooter, Sam the Eagle, Kermit the Frog, and the blue guy who is perennially harassed by Grover at restaurants (the Order Muppet Everyman)—tend to be neurotic, highly regimented, averse to surprises and may sport monstrously large eyebrows. They sometimes resent the responsibility of the world weighing on their felt shoulders, but they secretly revel in the knowledge that they keep the show running.”

I am 100%, died in the felt, true blue, through and through, an Order Muppet. I love order, systems, policies and rules. I love Sam the Eagle. I find Bert charming. Even as a kid, Gonzo made me really uncomfortable. His unpredictability was unnerving. Also, what on earth is he?

My wife is also an Order Muppet, which kind of flies in the face of the supposition of the article that Chaos Muppets tend to partner up with Order Muppets. But perhaps there is some truth to that idea that opposite muppets attract. Look at the most classic of Chaos Muppets like Ms. Piggie. Or Topher. Or Patrick. All of them found their Order Muppets. 

As an Order Muppets, here are some things you can safely say about me:

  • While I don’t love my job every day, I will never quit it to “chase my dream”and open a macaroon bakery or move to a villa in Italy. As much as it may sound appealing, I want a steady paycheck, insurance and a robust 401k plan.
  • I will never participate in a flash mob.
  • I will never have a “junk drawer” in my house. Why can’t you just decide what you want in that drawer and go for it?!
  • I once got a label maker for Christmas, and loved it.
  • I don’t like to go for a run without my iPhone because I feel like if my miles aren’t recorded and synced to the cloud that they didn’t happen. 
  • I keep track of everything I read on Goodreads.
  • At the launch of the fall TV season, I create a color coded spreadsheet to map out which TV shows will be tivoed on which TV
  • I alphabetize (or colorize) all of my bookshelves.
  • The shirts in my closet are arranged by fabrication, followed by sleeve length, followed by color.
  • There is a drawer in my kitchen labeled “things with blades.” 

So what are you? The Swedish Chef? Or Scooter?

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