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August 8, 2012 by jooshanoosh

One of my favorite games is called “if you HAD to.” I’m sure I didn’t make it up; people play variations of this game all the time. But I’m particularly obsessed with it. Basically you put give people a series of horrible options and then say they HAVE to pick one. It’s all hypothetical. They don’t really have to pick anything. But you pretend like they do. It’s all fun and games and nobody gets hurt. Unless you count feelings (but who counts feelings?)

One example of this is “if you HAD to choose a blanket.” You know those parking lots you see around town with big silkscreened blankets hanging up for sale? I see them everywhere around Orem. I like to drive by with friends or family and tell them that they HAVE to pick one of those blankets to put on their bed. They know they don’t have to. It’s just a game. But they get uncomfortable anyway, because none of the blankets are remotely classy. None of them will match your bedroom decor (I hope!) and none of them will make you sexier to the opposite gender. These aren’t just blankets; they are social statements. So you have to choose carefully, because they are announcing to the world that you love wolves and are happy to snuggle down with them.

In order to more carefully analyze these choices, I snapped a few pictures. Which one of these blankets would you choose? No  – like if you HAD to?

This one has a butterfly motif. What are you, Mariah Carey? This one is horrible. Those butterflies are flying right into the sun! Can you think of anything less romantic? This blanket tells people that you hate nature.

I don’t know of you suffer from the Bieber fever or, like me, you got the Cyrus virus, but this blanket is definitely an option! If you are nine years old. Can you imagine if I, as a 40 year old PhD and father of five, went in and bought a Bieber blanket? Total stranger danger. I would not choose this blanket. This blanket tells people that you are a pedophile.

 This is an interesting blanket! Do you like cowboys? Yes? This is your blanket! Do you feel bad for bulls and cows? Yes? You should not buy this blanket. By the way, is it just me or are his chaps all over the place? Pointless! Chaps should fasten and not flop around like that. I feel bad for that cow. His rump looks like an octopus. I would not buy this blanket.

Oh, Marilyn Monroe. She was such a candle in the wind. She was really shy and she took her acting seriously and the only person who really loved her was Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio. And then I guess we all turned on her so she turned to barbiturates and clandestine trysts with the Kennedys and then a Mormon guy found her dead in a hotel room. And you want a blanket for that??? No thanks! I mean, I might pick this blanket if I HAD to, but I don’t like how her face is all smashed.

That’s clearly Tinkerbell, but who’s the other fairy? Is it supposed to be Jasmine? She’s not a fairy! This blanket sends mixed messages to young girls.

 Oh, man. What is this thing? A bunch of frogs in a “peace” motif? Oh, geez. Please don’t put this on your bed. Please, please, please, please don’t put this on your bed!!!!

 Do you love dogs? I don’t, unless they are in profile. And then I can’t get enough! I would almost buy this blanket because three of the dogs are in profile. Perfect! But then someone got the grand idea of having the black lab look straight out at you. It breaks up the composition of the blanket and his yellow eyes are horrible and bloodthirsty. Daddy no like. If I could meet the designer(s) of the blanket I would tell them to keep the three dogs in profile and replace the black lab with a giant bone. Or a really scared cat. We don’t need four dogs!!!

Do you hate yourself? Go ahead and put Dora on your bed. She’ll scream and shriek at you all night. She’ll demand that you say things in Spanish, and then stand there blinking until you do it. Do not invite this demon into your home. You will need to have the bishop over to cleanse it. I bet you dollars to donuts this blanket is haunted!

So. Now that you’ve seen your options….which blanket would you choose? And why? Remember, you HAVE to choose one.

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