haunting how to’s

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October 24, 2012 by jooshanoosh

I wrote last week about how I like to ghost hunt, even though it’s kind of redneck and super sketchy. But I think it’s something you and I could do together if, supposing, we wanted to hang out and be better friends. I always wish someone would text me and say “do u want 2 check out this ghost at my grandmas house” or something exciting like that. Instead people just want to go to Rumbi’s island grill or stuff like that. Anyway, if you DO want to ghost hunt, hit me up. My schedule is not awesome but I’m always happy to meet after midnight and look at creepy things.

Wanting to do a little ghost hunting on your own? I give you my blessing. But there’s a few things you gotta know!

1. You can’t expect every old house to be haunted. Just most of them. There are some new houses that are haunted, but usually they are haunted by the ghosts of RC Willey. Mormons are particularly susceptible to those ghosts. Anyway. A good way to find out if an old house is haunted is to go in there when it’s dark and cold and just sit around. Do you feel creepy chills? Does something appear to be moving? Do you hear the small, plaintive lullabies of children upstairs? Bingo! Be careful about sounds, however, sometimes it’s just mice. Or rats. Or a murderer.

2. Don’t bring a flashlight: you probably won’t use it. That’s so Scooby-Do. Nowadays everyone brings laser pointers. So bring one of those. Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, you know what I mean? Laser pointers are better because you can see things move through them (i.e. disturbances down a long hallway.) I know some dudes bring those spelunking helmets with flashlights on them, but I think those look so herky-jerky and awkward. Just bring a laser pointer! That’s really the future of ghost hunting: lasers. And if you have a cell phone bring that, because you should have one of those apps that detect EVP’s and radar. (I suggest this one)

3. Don’t bring that big jerk who’s going to smirk the whole time and act like he’s not scared. Or claims that everything is “just the wind.” That dude is no fun. DO bring people who get scared easily, however, because when people are frightened they send off a lot of energy, which ghosts feed off of to become visible. You’ve never heard this? Try watching Ghost Hunters on SYFY or maybe read the scriptures. It’s there. It’s fact. The more scared you get, the more you can see them. I’m a PhD, so you will have to trust me. Bringing Snarky McRollshiseyes will not produce visible ghosts, just irritation and an evening ruined. You want to see a ghost? Freak the crap out. Scream and jump up and down. They’ll appear.

4. Don’t split up. Ever. That doesn’t end well. Ladies, don’t wander around old houses in your underpants with just a flashlight. It’s a no-brainer. Do, however, consider wandering around old houses in your underwear with a laser pointer.

5. If you see or sense a ghost, talk to it! Remember my story from the theatre in London? Ghosts can hear you. They will respond. Sometimes they will disappear, or become angry and storm out. And sometimes they may actually touch you – a lot of them can do that – but they are aware of you, generally. Don’t try to joke around, though. They don’t like it! They are very sad and lonely, and most of the time they want to murder you. So you have to walk a fine line between being confident and being too silly.

6. Record everything with a digital recorder. On Ghost Hunters they hear all kinds of secret EVP whisperings when they play them back. What’s an EVP, you ask? Well if I were you I would not CHECK OUT THIS WEBSITE unless you like being scared (cue: ghost.)

7. You have to work instinctively: did you feel some drafty air? Do you feel like someone is behind you? Is there tension or a sense of anger in the room? Your body is trying to tell you something. IT IS NOT ALONE. It’s probably a ghost. Don’t run away. Fight the urge. Grab a net and try to catch it!

Good luck, everyone! Let me know if my tips were helpful.

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